Malik and Maryam excitedly shared that they are engaged! Congratulations abound from friends and family! Have you decided on your wedding date? Maryam answered, “Insha’Allah, next summer after we finish graduate school.” Auntie Aisha said, “MashaAllah, I’m excited for you. Have you scheduled your premarital education class? Have you identified your premarital coach or counselor? You still have time. Then she gave the couple a coupon for a gift for one of the books used for the course.”
In the back of their minds Malik and Maryam wondered why premarital education and marriage preparation would be necessary. They have a good relationship. They went to the same high school. Their mothers like each other.
What are the reasons for premarital education and counseling? Some of the reasons are that most people spend more time preparing for their wedding than they do their marriage and don’t take time to learn what’s expected and what tools they need for a healthy marriage. Many people are not making wise choices when it comes to their future spouse and don’t really know each other. Too often people are not marrying people they are compatible with. They are choosing people based on looks or career and income not based on compatibility. Too many are not making Islam the foundation for a healthy marriage.
Marriage preparation is the opportunity to learn about what makes a healthy marriage. We spend time learning about various areas of study, our careers, about things we want to be knowledgeable about. Our marital relationship is one of the most important areas of life. It impacts us personally, our spouse, our extended family, our children, and our community. Therefore, it makes sense that we learn how to be successful in this most important area of life. As Muslims, Allah tells us in the Qur’an that spouses are garments for each other, and from hadith we learn that marriage is half our religion. What does this mean? How do we operationalize these truths?
Most people learn about marriage from the examples of their parents and close adults in their lives as well as throughout their marriage. While some of us have seen positive examples of married couples many of us have not seen the best examples. Too often we discover challenges and what it takes in marriage along the way and are not prepared. Most people don’t know how to cultivate a healthy relationship. Most people don’t know how to solve problems that will inevitably impact their marital and family relationships.
Research indicates that educating oneself about aspects of marriage, communication skills, problem solving, and financial matters are important areas to study prior to marriage. Almost half of participants in the Killawi, et al, 2017 study believe couples should be required to participate in premarital counseling or some type of premarital education prior to marriage.
As Muslims we will want to know the Prophetic example. It is essential that we know how the Prophet, peace be upon him, cultivated a loving and healthy marriage. We want to know his example so that we can exemplify the characteristics he and his wives showed us.
In my book, Before the Nikah, I share “there is certainly a need for premarital education for couples and continuing marriage education, enrichment, and counseling throughout the life of the marriage. However, I strongly recommend premarital education before identifying your future marriage prospect. I strongly recommend high school students begin to learn relationship skills and lessons from the Prophet’s example peace be upon him, in preparation for future marriage and family life. I also strongly encourage premarital education for those of any age who are single, never married, and those who have been previously married before they remarry.”
Premarital education and marriage preparation for those who are single and not engaged is a core Before the Nikah principle. The Before the Nikah Institute’s course is covered over 13 weeks. It defines premarital education and marriage preparation as education about yourself, who you are as a prospective spouse, what makes a healthy marriage, lessons from the life of Prophet Muhammad, peace be upon him, the process of vetting your prospective spouse, legal and financial issues in marriage, relationship building skills, as well as problem solving and communication skills.
The next online Before the Nikah course is scheduled for September 9th 2024. Registration is open now at draneesah.com/before-the-nikah
Dr. Aneesah Nadir is a social worker, retired Arizona State University social work professor and the founder and president of Dr. Aneesah Nadir & Associates Before the Nikah Institute. She is also the author of the book, Before the Nikah, Proven Principles to Help Single Muslims Choose Wisely and Build Strong Marriages. Dr Nadir is also a cofounder of the Islamic Social Services Association-USA. She can be reached at draneesah@gmail.com
