Cultivating Healthy Marriages & Healthy Families

[NOTE: The writer’s style of capitalizing certain sentence words/letters has been left as is.]

“O humanity! Have a high regard and sacred, conscious respect for G-d, who created you from a single soul and from it created its mate, and through both He spread countless men and women; Have a high regard and sacred, conscious respect for G-d in Whose Name you appeal to one another and (honor) your family ties, and (reverence) the wombs (that bore you). Surely Allah is Ever Watchful over you!”

(Holy Quran, Surah 4, An-Nisaa’a, “The Women,” Ayat 1)

In this Ayat, Allah (SWT) is calling our attention to our wombs, literally and figuratively speaking. Every human being that is born is nurtured and cared for within the womb of their mothers. But just like the seed that is planted into “Mother Earth,” the very first womb that we are “born into” is the “womb” of Marriage. The first social womb created within our community is the coming together of husband and wife out of “Respect for the Order Set Forth by G-d” before a seed has even been planted. Thus, Marriage is the 1st “womb” that deserves our Respect, Love, Care, Attention, Time, and Concern. To have Healthy, Prosperous Communities, we MUST have healthy, Prosperous Families, and likewise, we MUST have Healthy, Prosperous Marriages, first and foremost, before kids are even in the picture!

Imam W. Deen Mohammed shared,

“In your education, your schooling, the academic world tells you that the family is the first unit of society, and that is what we have lost, family. This problem is not germane to any one group. It has taken over all people and all religions. All religions are suffering the corruption of the family.” According to Family Law Attorneys Wilkerson & Finkbeiner, as of 2019, “Almost 50 percent of all marriages in the United States will end in divorce or separation. Researchers estimate that 41 percent of all first marriages end in divorce. 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce. 73 percent of all third marriages end in divorce, and the United States has the 4th highest divorce rate in the world.”

So how do we create, cultivate, and sustain Healthy Marriages? It is not enough to “Just Get Married.” We must be equipped with the “Proper Tools” to make our Marriages Wholesome, Loving, Successful, Healthy, Desirable, Beneficial, Productive, Prosperous, and a place of Mutual Rest, Peace, Comfort, Love, and Tranquility insha’Allah! Nurturing this “womb” MUST be a number one priority in our lives in ALL seasons because this “womb” is going to literally and figuratively house other human beings that will be involuntarily impacted by their treatment or mistreatment within this “womb.”

The “tools” needed to cultivate Healthy Marriages are “Pre-Marital & Marital Education & EnLIGHTenment!” You may ask, why do we need Pre-Marital & Marital Education if getting married is a G-d-given tradition that we follow? Shouldn’t we already be equipped with all of the tools that are necessary to cultivate and nourish our wombs and create beautiful, wholesome marriages? The answer is not quite! Just like we are not innately born with all the modern tools necessary to successfully cultivate Mother Earth, at times, even with the best intentions between husband and wife, we are not born into the best model of marriage within our families and communities. EVEN with the acquisition of the proper information, properly and consistently using the BEST marital guidance and information is required.

So, intentionally attaining the correct information to cultivate Healthy Marriages is one thing. Consciously & consistently choosing to do the work to apply the beneficial knowledge is another! And sometimes the information or “tools” that are shared are outdated or inappropriate to use altogether! Meaning that although our parents and forefathers did the best that they could according to their understanding, if we are honest, sometimes their behaviors, thoughts, and expectations within their marriages were rooted in misogynistic and patriarchial translations of scripture and what Imam W. Deen Mohammed referred to as “Unenlightened Traditions” when it comes to the treatment of women rather than Al-Islam.

Allah says in the Qur’an: “But when they are told, ‘Follow what God has bestowed from on high,’ some answer, ‘Nay, we shall follow [only] that which we found our forefathers believing in and doing.’ Why, even if their forefathers did not use their reason at all and were devoid of all guidance?’” Muhammad the Prophet shared in his last sermon that “Perhaps those who come after will understand better than those who are present.” So we have to be very intentional about not just “following the ways of old” because it “appears” that our parents or grandparents had successful marriages. We must understand that longevity does not necessarily equate to prosperity! In the movie “Black Panther,” the young, brilliant female scientist and engineer says: “Just because something works doesn’t mean that it can’t be improved.” The same is true of our Marriages, the wombs that are giving birth to future generations inshaa’Allah! Longevity with no intentional plan for Improvements, Peaceful Marital Conflict Resolution, and Learning, Growing, Evolving, and Doing Better is what often leads to a “Stalemate” and a “Miserable Marriage” between a good, believing man and a good, believing woman.

“MUSLIM MARRIAGE MAKEOVER: Modeling Muhammad the Prophet to Make Waves in Your Marriage with the R.I.P.P.L.E. Effect” (MUTUAL Respect, Intimacy, Partnership, Peace, Love & Equality) is a Faith-Based, Solution-Oriented Manual or Guide that was written with the intent to “Makeover” or Improve our Muslim Marriages inshaa’Allah! As Believers, we know that we will be tested, and being tested within our marriages is guaranteed. Even the most “picture-perfect” marriages experience “common marital tests and challenges!” However, we can successfully work to nurture this “marital womb” with the proper information to avoid certain common marital tests and challenges altogether OR to peacefully resolve marital conflicts quickly so that they don’t “grow and fester” and stunt the growth of a healthy marriage!

Cultivating healthy marriages BEFORE children are born is of utmost importance because any lingering sense of injustice, tension, discomfort, anxiety, stress, strain, disrespect, or hostility within the marital “womb” will be inherited by our offspring both before and after they are born! Contrary to popular belief, no amount of money can heal a broken home or repair an emotionally wounded heart or soul! So as husband and wife, we must also be in tune with our original nature, An-Nas & Bashir, which is “to be kind, to be loving, to be sociable, to be intimately connected to, seeking to listen, feeling, sensitive and registering the needs of others.” Additionally, Imam W. Deen Mohammed shared that “G-d’s Throne is on the Waters,” meaning that establishment is based upon “human sensitivities” and that any time a people are not established, it is because they have become insensitive. So, if we want to establish model communities, we must pay attention to HOW we treat each other within our marital “wombs.” Just like Mother Earth, left alone, ignored, untilled, and disrespected, she will not produce the desired tilth, and weeds will overtake the beneficial growth! Likewise, if we neglect to do the work to cultivate healthy “marital wombs,” our “seeds” will die or be emotionally undeveloped in such a way that affects the stability of marriages, families, and communities, even with all of the riches that anyone could desire!

Allah tells us:

“Which then is best? – he that layeth his foundation on piety to Allah and His good pleasure? – or he that layeth his foundation on an undermined sand cliff ready to crumble to pieces? and it doth crumble to pieces with him, into the fire of Hell. And Allah guides not people that do wrong.”

(Holy Qur’an 9:109)

G-d also advises:

“O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a fire of which human beings and stone-hearted people are fuel and over which angels are appointed, fierce and ferocious, who never disobey the command of Allah and who do as they are told.”

(Holy Qur’an 66:6)

Utilizing the “Unadulterated” Guidance of G-d in the Qur’an, the Authentic Life Example of Muhammad the Prophet, our “Muslim Marriage Model,” and the Commentary of our beloved leader and teacher Imam W. Deen Mohammed, “MUSLIM MARRIAGE MAKEOVER” (MMM) provides Faith-Based Solutions to “Common Marital Tests and Challenges” that will lead to the Cultivation of Healthy Marriages, Families and Communities now and in the future inshaa’Allah!

“MMM” uses the (6) Principles of “The R.I.P.P.L.E. Effect” to address the following:

• Respect for G-d & Respect for Marriage as a Sacred Institution
• Mutual Respect & Intimacy Between Husband and Wife
• Husbands and Fathers as Consistent Loving, Emotional, Spiritual, Financial Providers & Protectors for Women and Children, as well as the Importance of Their Consistent & Active Presence in the Lives of Their Families
• Female Liberation, “Freedom & Flexibility,” and Consistent Support Systems for Wives and Mothers
• Shared Household and Parenting Responsibilities
• The Mutual Need for Self-Care & Work-Life Balance

It was shared in a reader’s testimony that:

“… [MUSLIM MARRIAGE MAKEOVER] is a very important book for our community …  It deals with critical issues – a lot of these issues – marriages have broken up, families have broken up because of Miseducation, Misunderstanding, Misdirection, and Confusion about Gender Roles, Responsibilities and Rights. These are things that can be corrected, it can definitely be corrected with the right education and the right information … It’s hard to put this book down … It’s a great asset to our community … and it can help down through the generations. This book can be given as a gift to our young people for them to read. It can be an instructor’s tool for teaching our young people as well. So again, tell everyone about this book! It’s an excellent book and an excellent resource for us … There are so many things that hit home, and it hit home because … this book represents what we have been learning throughout the instructions that we’ve gotten from Imam Mohammed. This is what we’ve been learning when reading our Holy Qur’an’s every year during the month of Ramadan and it’s foundational to us and our souls, so when you read it, it’s so familiar, and you know that it’s true, and this is something we should align our thought processes with and challenge our thinking you know. The whole book is just a catalyst to the way we think and understand marriage, relationships, roles … it’s very good whether you read it as an individual or you read it in a group …   It’s good to be challenged in our thinking.”

~ Sis. Munirah Habeel, Co-Host AM360 “Courtship & Marriage Learning Lab”

So Alhamdulillah, “MUSLIM MARRIAGE MAKEOVER” is a source of Pre-Marital and Marital Education & Enlightenment that will assist our Community with elevating our “Levels of Competency” or “Levels of Learning.” Oftentimes, we find that many good, believing males/men and many good, believing females/women are simply “Unconsciously Incompetent,” meaning that they do not know that they don’t have the proper or best information or example to create or sustain a Healthy Marriage. However, the faith-based information within “MMM” will elevate them to the next level of competency, which is to become “Consciously incompetent.” This means they will become Consciously Aware that they don’t have the proper or best information or example to create or sustain a Healthy Marriage. However, equipped with new information and consciously determined to apply it, they will elevate to become “Consciously Competent.” They will learn, have access to, and, most importantly, INTENTIONALLY & CONSCIOUSLY PRACTICE and IMPLEMENT the proper and best information and understanding of what is needed to create and sustain a Healthy Marriage. This Level of Competency is the most challenging because it requires Consistent Effort & Work to apply the new knowledge as well as Patience and Forgiveness with self and others because we are human, and we may not always perfectly execute what we have consciously learned despite our best intentions! In this stage, we have to constantly & consciously think about the new marital knowledge and guidance to apply it correctly. Even so, we must understand that ONLY Allah is Perfect, and we must show one another Grace & Mercy when there are NO major transgressions, humiliation, and disrespect at play. Eventually, we will arrive at ‘Unconscious Competency” inshaa’Allah! This means that we would have intentionally and consciously practiced applying the correct information so frequently, that we evolve to doing what is right without thinking about it! It becomes second nature, Alhamdulillah! And THIS is the Goal! This is how we learn to create, cultivate, and sustain Healthy Marriages insha’Allah! Keep in mind that the acquisition of New Knowledge to nurture our “marital wombs” is a life-long process.

“MUSLIM MARRIAGE MAKEOVER” was written for individuals looking to get married or remarried, newlyweds, couples who have reached a “stalemate,” or “lightly or well-seasoned” couples who have a good thing going, and just want to make it better! “MMM” shares tools that will benefit EVERYONE in successfully cultivating a Healthy Marriage and Family, inshaa’Allah! Healthy Marriages are the foundation of our future, and we want to “MAKE MARRIAGE GREAT AGAIN!” We want our youth to SEE and DESIRE Healthy, Loving, Peaceful, Productive Marriages! But in order for us to model what is BEST, we need the Proper Tools inshaa’Allah!

As a Montessorian early childhood educator, we are taught to Introduce New Knowledge; Practice, Practice, Practice, Gain Mastery, and Repeat! In this regard, “MUSLIM MARRIAGE MAKEOVER” is also for youth, male and female, who may not yet have marriage on their minds. Our goal is to expose our youth and young adults to the proper understanding of marriage and how to resolve “Common Marital Tests & Challenges” BEFORE they enter into marriage. Wilfred Chef Rawventure Campbell has shared that “Awareness serves as the catalyst for addressing and resolving any problems or challenges that may arise.” So, being equipped with the “proper tools” will lessen the chances that our youth and young adults will begin their marriages with UnIslamic and Unreasonable Thoughts, Behaviors, and Expectations inshaa’Allah! Even if the youth don’t have the best models within their own homes and communities, with the Faith-Based, Solution-Oriented Guidance within “MMM,” they will have the knowledge that is needed to Cultivate a Healthy Marital Mindset BEFORE entering into such a Sacred & Divine Union and prayerfully this will lead to LOVING, PEACEFUL, PRODUCTIVE, COMPASSIONATE Marital Friendships, Compatibility and Longevity Inshaa’Allah! And with Muhammad the Prophet as our model, they will be on their way to “Mastering Monogamy” as did our Beloved Prophet (PBUH)!

Muhammad the Prophet was given the responsibility for multiple wives and families only AFTER the passing of his beloved first wife, Lady Khadijah (RA) to whom he was married for 25 years, Alhamdulillah! We have to be mindful that our youth see and watch how we “practice” Al-Islam. Anytime it is done in a way that is incorrect, distasteful, and disrespectful, even in monogamous marriages, they say to themselves, “If that is Al-Islam, then I want no part of that faith tradition!” and this is how some lose interest in the Divine Institution of marriage altogether. It is a sign for us that Muhammad the Prophet was allowed to “Master Monogamy” for 25 years BEFORE he was Divinely chosen to take on even more responsibility for women and their children through marriage. 

If we have “OPEN MINDS” and “OPEN HEARTS,” there is ALWAYS something new to learn and implement to enhance our marriages with our beloved spouses inshaa’Allah! Knowing and respecting this is half the battle!

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NOTE: The writer’s style of capitalizing certain sentence words has been left as is.