The Retreat That Helped Me Return

I can’t deny that over the last few years, I’ve felt more distant than ever spiritually. I believe it’s safe to say that ebbs and flows in even the most significant relationships in our lives are just a part of our human experience. If this is the case, and I knew that…why did I feel so guilty? So ashamed? Why was showing up to prayer so difficult? Attending Jummah felt daunting… I just wasn’t connected.

Knowing that something had shifted would hopefully allow me to process and name what had happened. Knowing what shifted prayerfully would eventually spark the connection I so desperately needed and desired.

I spent days journaling, being in nature, crying, resting, and thinking. Here’s what I came up with. Islam, since our introduction, has been beautiful, comprehensive, and, more than anything, healing. Somewhere along the way, I watched too many videos, listened to too many lectures, wrecked my brain to align with the scholars, and took on cultures that didn’t represent me, my history, or my people. Islam had now become heavy and dark.

If I wanted to regain my connection to Allah and feel the spark of what I knew was possible. I needed to establish what Islam meant to me and how I wanted to embody it. I needed to interrogate some of the things that I had been taught and the discomfort it stirred in me. Lastly, I needed to learn more about the faith of my ancestors and how they understood, practiced, and embodied Islam that reflected both reverence and liberation.

I welcomed the journey and began again. I read, researched, and made dhikr. I was finding my way back. Now on my own terms.

When I was invited to the Black Muslim Family retreat, it felt like a capstone to all of the work I had done. A completed chapter. A culminating and immersive experience. Being in community with those who look like me was a healing balm that I wasn’t aware I needed. Meals with beautiful Muslim women had me looking forward to the next. No cultural or language barriers, we just understood each other.

I was reminded of the importance and necessity of community. Although sleep felt better I prayed Tahajjud because the elders did. It was motivating and inspiring. The still darkness of the morning under the stars. The melodious call to prayer by the muezzin, who also shares the title of my husband.

Children playing until pure exhaustion, harmonious dhikr, important conversations about marriage, sustainability, and purpose. It was soul food.

In that space, surrounded by love, laughter, and remembrance, I realized something simple yet profound: Allah never left. I had only needed to return to myself, my people, and the rhythm of faith that feels like home.

Read other articles about the retreat here and here.

Photos courtesy of attendees at The Black Muslim Family Retreat

Summayyah Shakir

Summayyah Shakir is a San Antonio-based educator and creative exploring the sacred intersections of Blackness, Islam, and community. Her work seeks to nurture healing, connection, and collective liberation.